Brent hit 30 and I didn’t have the means to call and wish him a happy birthday. And so, rather than that I wish him an entire year full of unimaginable joys. I’m ready to confess my jealousy. It has always lurked there, but I’ve tried to deny it for too long. Brent is making his life happen himself. I’m still muddling through, waiting for someone to help me out. Brent has a family. I want a family and find it harder than I thought it would be. Congratulations to Brent for achieving successes I still wait to start dreaming of. I admire you (and blushed on admitting it).
David & Daniel celebrate six months together today. I am so happy for them, but as I’ve said before, I’d like to be even happier for them, but loneliness requires that I harbor just a little bit of spite for their love. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. And I know they both know I love them to itty bitty pieces. Congratulations to the lovebirds.
Stan celebrates a birthday tomorrow. I don’t often know what to say to someone like Stan. His life is an embarrassment of riches and is so richly embarrassing at the same time, but that doesn’t keep me from fantasizing about having his life. It seems to be what I want and so I wish I could be more like him everyday, but I pray that if I ever start to become him, my brothers warn me and keep me from it. I do envy Stan’s happiness with Michael. Congratulations to him for becoming the best version of himself he can be.
And on an unrelated note:
This Journey Seems Long
Possibility falls like feathers,
gently landing on my head with me barely taking notice.
I think I felt something and life rushes past me,
my feet cemented in this moment.
I’m a statue, a gargoyle,
a testament to following dreams, even as I failed myself.
I’m unfolding myself and trying desperately.
Thirty is ugly for a child like me.
I’m a work in progress —
confused, lonely, surrounded.
8.14.2008
Keep your head up. Let things happen. Be like the sloth. It all shakes out in the end.
You have no idea how much I can relate.