forgone and so beautiful
This is little more than a series of ramblings that are only remotely connected to one another.
The mind is fascinating to me — what I really mean to say is unsettling. Creativity, knowledge, wisdom, intellegence, instict, intuition, memory. Such an array of abstracts that make each of us who we are. I was watching TV earlier and a notion was mentioned that has supplanted the inane items I was thinking about at the time. “We focus so much on the tangible, we have forgotten about the intangible.”
This applies to my life as much as anyone else’s. I don’t know why I needed a show to remind me of it. Perhaps I didn’t; it is entirely possible that I needed to be reminded of that today and the events were all set in place to make certain I received the message.
My life is in contant flux — morphing from one thing to another. I spend only a few months as each version of myself before moving on to the next… sometimes the change is so constant and uneventful that I am never the same person from one day to the next. I think that could apply to anyone, as these are fairly universal concepts. Two things really interested me on this subject. The first is why a person remembers events in the way they do. The second, friendships and their evolution (which I intend to cover later).
As I recounted in my previous post, I can remember certain moments throughout my life. I can remember making a girl cry in 3rd grade. I don’t know what I did though. I remember watching one kid kick over another kids cardboard brick construction when I was in kindergarten — I also remember waiting in line to go to the restroom and being kissed by a girl in my class. But the rest is a blur. I remember having the cast put on my legs, but don’t remember not being able to walk.
I don’t know what my purpose is for writing this. I guess I just started thinking about things a lot lately. This current version of myself is a creation of introspection rather than external events, so perhaps that is why I am thinking so much. I know a lot has to do with my high school reunion coming up. If I make it (and I intend to), I don’t really have much memory of the majority of the people who are likely to remember me. That sounds conceited, but that isn’t quite the case. I’m just nice most of the time. People like that.
I am worried that I don’t remember enough, but one can hardly live in the moment and dwell on the past simultaneously. ADHD is a fun tool for pulling random thoughts out of your head, but a terrible tool for making valid points about those thoughts.
I fear that I will not find someone who has the patience for me and my many thoughts and who is intellectually interesting enough for me to relate to. I don’t think being particular is wrong, but it has left me alone for the past 27 years. Or perhaps I am overthinking… as usual.
I don’t get to relive yesterday. Maybe all of this is really about that. The less I remember, the more of my life is actually gone. I don’t want to wake up at 70, realizing I have been alone all my life and wondering when I could have changed who I am. That time must be now, but I don’t know if I have to correct tools.
Of the intagibles of the mind go, wisdom is the most important to me. It is vastly more important than memory, which is simply recollection of moments. Perhaps I need to stop obsessing over the lost moments and focus more on the experience of being me today and what I can learn from myself and from the people/places/things I encounter today. What lessons are worth carrying with me and inserting into my understanding of the universe? And I know I need shift my focus away from the tangible. What I can buy today is not important.
19 March 2007