It’s been hard to not feel sad today. It was Thanksgiving of last year when everything seemed to be starting, but that wound up being the beginning of the end of such important things.
A Year and a Half
That love had teetered so long;
the old one was fed up and pushed it over
onto the ground, where it broke into chunks.
Instantly, it felt dead and we gathered around
sick to our stomachs and wondering how
to put the pieces back together.
Our attempts kept failing,
weird versions of what seemed familiar
rising from our efforts.
Parts seemed missing or no longer fit
the way it seemed they should.
A family died that day.
It’ll never have felt like quite enough
when I try to remember it years from now.
Things will start to seem silly and the memory
of two beautiful people will haunt me
when I’m still watching TV on Saturday nights.
8.25.2009
But life goes on. New faces have replaced the familiar ones. It isn’t the same; it’s frequently upsetting. That does not make these new circumstances bad ones. I know I keep going on about my awkward friendship with someone I love so much, but it is because I don’t accept it. I refuse. The weirdness needs to end soon.
I’m thankful to be me today. I don’t think I would want to be anybody else. Being me may mean that I remain lonely and alone for a while longer, even for a long time, but I’m still glad I’m me. I wish I could be the person who certain people wanted, but that is more of a change I’d like to see with them than it is with me.
I’m thankful for friends today. There are so many beautiful people in my life. I’m really blessed.
I’m thankful for family today. I complain endlessly about them, but those complaints come from such love. I miss them everyday. I’m so fortunate to have come from a family like mine.
I’m thankful for a lot of things today. I cannot imagine being in another time or place right now. Even when things aren’t going perfectly, maybe especially then, life just seems to suit me. It is all good.
I was invited to so many wonderful celebrations for the holidays. I’m sad that I was unable to attend them. Kevin & Kerith opened their home to friends and I hope it was a magical experience. I was not free for the soirée, but hope I can make it to their place in the future. They both make me feel so small; they radiate goodness. Heather had another fête at her home. They are so frequent, but I end up feeling so awkward. I don’t like feeling out of place. I love the ones who attend these parties though. Perhaps I should get over it.
I hope everyone had a warm Thanksgiving surrounded by love and loved ones. If you are doing some shopping in the morning, please shop safely. Hugs to everyone.