2-8 July 2018

We had a hot week, which is pretty typical.  I wish I’d gotten more accomplished, but everything was feeling difficult.  So many of my days anymore are like that.

It seems like gardening is the way I’m dealing with things.  I’ve mentioned it, but it just keeps coming up.  I’m surprised, but maybe shouldn’t be really.  It was my grandpa’s death that first got me interested in growing plants.  I became briefly obsessed with houseplants.  I was living in an apartment at the time, so I couldn’t go crazy with plants of my own, but that turned into an attempt at a vegetable garden the following Spring and planting some roses for Mom in the summer.  But that was a terrible summer for growing anything and it was really discouraging.  I decided not to try again.  When Dale Combs, the man who I was named after, passed away, I was drawn to go sit and think beneath some beautiful big trees and to spend time in a wooded park.  It felt natural to be surrounded by nature.  Mary Combs passed in 2017, and once again I felt drawn to nature and natural things.  It was Winter, but I wanted to be outside.

If spent my Summer so far wanting to be outside as much as possible.  I have been incredibly worried about what I should be doing, about my health, and about my future.  Some days I feel like I’m going to explode, but being in my yard seems to be helping.  I’ve babied my roses, planned for new beds, created a new bed, and generally enjoyed being in my garden.  I even enjoy it when it’s too hot.  It just feels right, and I guess that’s okay.  I don’t want to spin out of control too much, but I do want to just keep getting things done.  It just feels right.

I’m sadder now than I ever have been, but I’m feeling tired of being tired.  I’m tired of crying and tired of sleeping.  I feel sadder than I ever imagined a person could feel, and I also feel calmer than I would have expected.  I just want to sit quietly in a beautiful garden and not stress out about things.  Of course, I have to create the garden I want, but it just feels right, and I’m going to try to let myself be.

One of the things I’m doing later this year is to get a bunch of people a flowering tree to plant in Mom’s memory.  I got my trees ordered this week, and they will arrive around Thanksgiving.  It’ll be a nice time to plant.  I hope that goes down well for everyone.

I don’t know what will happen next week.  I feel lost today, but I hope each day surprises me by being better than I expected.