Blog Posts
To May
Failure was always an option! I don’t know where the month went. I was waiting so much of the month, for something new to happen or to emerge from somewhere. And here, locked in to quiet of my room, nothing much happened at all. I feel a great sense of loss for the month that never began. I never quite seemed to find the right way to approach the days, and so many of them I spent sleeping… long indulgent sleeps. Were they brought on my depression, loneliness, laziness, seemingly chronic infections? I can’t rule any one of those things out I suppose. It’s everything. The weight of endings.
I think I’ve started to let go of the expectations I had of myself, but in doing so I find that the future is scary when it doesn’t come with those expectations. What do you mean by “I can do anything I want…”? Can I, though. What is all of this?
I’ve spent a few weeks now going through Mom’s 1968 diary, researching the references as I go, to try and understand Mom at 14. And that’s a bizarre thing to expect; I don’t understand myself at 14. How can I possibly understand her. Maybe I should pull out my own 14 year old writings, compare them to hers. It is only logical that the things going through my own mind would be similar to what might be going through hers. People are fundamentally the same over time. What terrible things would I discover about her? About myself? Maybe nothing. Maybe I’ll find nothing more than the innocent musings of childhood by two people who are not yet fully realized.
It’s so odd and arbitrary how we demarcate our lives with calendar months, but it still feels like a dawn is coming and the new month washes us clean of the old. It’s all just random nonsense, but I feel it so deeply. I hope this next period is fruitful. I love feeling alive, productive, busy. The routines I once cherished have unravelled, but I could start again; start to weave them back together until I find something new to gird my days.
To May, and to hopeful tomorrows.
30 April 2026 10:30 p.m. 57ºF/14ºC (cloudy)
2026: Project Simplify
I WANT MY LIFE BACK
I stopped being myself in 2013. When I was talked into moving back to Oklahoma by Mom & Dad, I didn’t know I would do so at the cost of myself, but as I settled in to my new life in Stillwater & Glencoe, I disconnected from the activities and the people I love. I didn’t even realize I was doing that. This was caused a series of choices I made, and a series of inactions on my part. There was plenty of opportunity to find a path in Stillwater, at least at the start, but I was hung up on resentment and frustration. I found it so difficult to accept where I was. I did blame my parents for a while, but they didn’t force me to move. The didn’t fly up to Alaska and stuff me in a plane. They convinced me over time, and ultimately I chose to return. Partly, it was to help Mom & Dad, who had both been dealing with increasingly difficult medical situations, but also I wanted to be back to spend time with my niblings before they got too old. I dreaded being the uncle who they had no connection with because I was so far away, only to see them rarely in adulthood. I wanted to be there for their childhoods.
In the Summer of 2013, freshly moved back, I had my own apartment with Molly & Franz. It was upstairs from Brad, Conner & Jason, which was nice. Mom & Dad needed limited help, mostly with chores around the property and going with them to appointment and sometimes grocery shopping. Honestly, at first I felt duped. They didn’t need much from me, and that allowed me to start a business making a selling artwork, as well as art & craft supplies. And that was going pretty well. It wasn’t initially very profitable, but it was nice to have something to do that was creative and belonged to me. That lasted from June to August when things were disrupted slightly.
Justin, my good friend from Tulsa, called out of the blue one day in August. He knew I was back in Oklahoma, but we hadn’t seen one another yet. His sister had decided she needed the space in her house for her family, and Justin was in her way. She had offered to take him to a homeless shelter, and he needed a place to stay. Justin deals with some mental health issues and therefore cannot work, would be unable to find his own apartment, and isn’t even allowed to control his own money. Taking him somewhere like a shelter is just going to make his life infinitely more difficult. I do think it is fair that she wanted the space for her family. They lived in a modestly sized house with a family of seven people. It was crowded. However, it will never not baffle me that she wanted to take Justin to a shelter rather than help him find an apartment. She had been Justin’s representative payee while I was in Alaska, and I know she hated doing it. But there are people who do that as a job who could have taken over and helped. She did need to be involved in that transition. But she preferred the easiest way for her. Of course Justin could come stay with me. It wasn’t even really a question. He’s always been welcome.
Justin’s presence changed things in a couple of ways. First, I lost the separation between my home office and my bedroom. As much as I tried, it was such a small space that I never could maintain things as well as they had started and my new business struggled as a result. Secondly, Justin requires time and attention. He requires much more than most people, and at the time he had some other struggles that would cause him to absolutely demand attention, waking me up in the middle of the night to reassure him, or calling me to praise him. I’ve never been particularly bothered by these aspects of Justin’s personality, but it can be draining to deal with. My life became about him and my parents quickly, and I was okay with that. I didn’t even really notice I was doing it, but I was giving myself away in small bits.
INTO THE FIRE
My parents built their house in 2015, and I moved to the mobile home where they had been living. That was really nice. There was a bedroom on either end, so it was perfect to share with Justin. And it was spacious. I liked the mobile home, but there had been plans to build a home office. That never happened, and over time talks of that faded as my parents’ needs increased. Meanwhile, my house never got put together and the rooms started to fill up with my intentions and plans, boxes of products I would use in a better situation. My parents property was a twenty acre lot north of Stillwater on a gravel road. It was just far away enough to feel remote, but close enough to go to town frequently. And the property was perfect, completely surrounded by trees except for a natural clearing of about five acres where the mobile home sat and where the house was built. The mornings were frequented by birds, squirrels, deer, and armadillos. Other occasional visitors were rabbits, turkeys, bobcats, opossums, raccoons, coyotes, foxes, guinea fowl, bats, stray cats, stray dogs, the list goes on and on…. I loved that. But I had become so married to my own resentment that the years would go on and I would not.Continue Reading
Fragrance Notes: Too Busy
Fragrances of the Week
• Al Rehab Choco Musk
• Al Rehab Imperial Oud
• Bath & Body Works Inner Angel
• Body Sprays: Bodycology Cozy Fireside S’more, Bath & Body Works + Milk Peppermint Bark Truffle, Bath & Body Works Loyal To You, Al Rehab Choco Musk, Axe Pure Coconut
I was so busy this week that I didn’t use my fragrances much at all. I did like Imperial Oud the one time I got to use it; I’m looking forward to using it more in the future. Choco Musk is always great. I also only used it once. Inner Angel got slightly more use. And all body sprays were used periodically, Peppermint Bark Truffle frequently.
Fragrance Notes: Edible
Fragrances of the Week
• Le Falconé Risala Forever
• Lattafa Ramz Lattafa Silver
• Ard Al Zaafaran Turab Al Dhahab
• Body Sprays: Axe Pure Coconut, Al Rehab Choco Musk, Bath & Body Works Inner Angel, Mémoire Archives Let’s Bake (09)
This week’s fragrances suited me very well. I was so glad to get a chance to play with Le Falconé Risala Forever, which is much more buttery than I had expected. I actually liked that, but I can see others finding it a bit too synthetic. I found it worked well with BBW Inner Angel & Mémoire Archives Let’s Bake to give very different versions of cake. But I also think Risala Forever isn’t as gourmand as the notes would suggest. It is more wearable and inoffensive than some of my favorite gourmands.
Turab Al Dhahab is so hard to work with. I like it, but it smells more like a vinyl toy than coconut. It requires a specific use to make sense. I think layered with strawberry could be interesting, but I’ve tried hard to make it part of my rotation and I’ve failed. Maybe it’s just not for me, and that’s okay.
Ramz Lattafa (Silver) returned to the tray pretty quickly. I used it a lot this time, but didn’t layer with anything else. It was just a nice fragrance to wear as it is. It’s still not as good as the Gold, but I need to stop comparing those two. They really are nothing like one another.
The whole week was nicely edible and warm. Inner Angel was my go to throughout the week for a refresh. And I put quite a dent in it.
Fragrance Notes: Autumn Woods
Fragrances of the Week
• Lattafa Ameer Al Oudh Intense Oud
• Bath & Body Works Mahogany Teakwood
• Bath & Body Works Viva Vanilla
• Body Sprays: Lattafa Asad, Bath & Body Works Mahogany Teakwood, Bath & Body Works Floral Fantasy, Bath & Body Works Wild Vanilla
• Body Wash: Bodycology Cozy Fireside S’mores
• Shampoo: Personal Care Coconut Vanilla
My theme for the week was “Autumn Woods.” It’s so hard to keep in the spirit of the season when the weather is still giving me Summer at 80º, but I tried! I think the mix was pretty woodsy, sometimes overly so.
Bath & Body Works Mahogany Teakwood is just classic woods. It so nice and cozy, but not as warm as others. It is perfect for a woodsy feel in unpredictable weather. It would have worked just as well on a cool fall day as a warm one. I did find layering the cologne and the cologne mist to be unnecessary. They didn’t really add anything to one another, so unless I needed a refresh midday, they were better in combination with other things.
Lattafa Ameer Al Oudh Intense Oud is similarly woodsy, but warmer with its vanilla base. I reached for it more than anything else during the week because I really enjoy the balance it has. I enjoy a traditionally “masculine” fragrance, but I find it limiting to only wear things marketing as such. Intense Oud lands in a very unisex place and for that reason is perfect for layering to pull out the desired effect.
Bath & Body Works Viva Vanilla was a let down. I hadn’t used it before, but had purchased the eau de parfum after trying the fine fragrance mist. It was pleasant enough, but not strong at all and after a short time, non existent. The mist works at that strength, but I expect more from an EDP. Again, it was fine, but that’s about it.
This week I used Lattafa Asad deodorant spray. I have in the past paired that with Lattafa Ameer Al Oudh Intense Oud and got a strong ashtray scent that was very off-putting, so knowing that might happen I waited for the Asad to dry down a bit before applying the fragrance and that solved the problem. That’s good to know; I was worried about bringing the foul odor back, but apparently it is avoidable. This week the two worked well together, giving fallen leaves in a damp forest.
To get the “Autumn Woods” result I wanted, I relied on three fragrance mists to be layered on top of everything. Bath & Body Works Mahogany Teakwood leaned into the masculine woods, Bath & Body Works Floral Fantasy leaned into the floral & feminine, while Bath & Body Works Wild Vanilla sweetened things up if needed. Wild Vanilla is made for layering, and I think it added just enough sweet tropical notes to take the vibe from temperate forest to tropical jungle, but without overpowering anything. Floral Fantasy kept us temperate, and I wore it a few times during the week on its own. It’s not my absolute favorite of the Everyday Luxuries line, but it is very pleasant. Floral without being too floral, and it stayed present for a long time.
For Justin this week, I was going for spicy dessert. While his body mists worked well for that, my insistence on always giving him masculine scents meant that it was hard to lean into gourmand. When I didn’t realize what he was wearing on one day, I thought he had achieved something that smelled like sunscreen. In the summer, I like that accord, but I was confused by it. That was the Old Spice. My brain sorted it back into the bin it belongs in once I knew, but that was a strange thing. Old Spice is nice though, as was Modern Gentleman. I do think I need to lean more into fun stuff for Justin. He actually likes a lot more, especially gourmand stuff. He also really likes masculine scents, but refers to them as “grandpa colognes,” so I’m not sure he loves them entirely. He might just be responding to the nostalgia, which I understand. I have a visceral reaction to Coty’s Aspen, but only because Dad used it when I was a kid. In slightly different combinations, those notes do nothing for me. I’ll try amping up the fun for Justin and we’ll see how that goes!
Fragrance Notes: A Cornucopia
Fragrances of the Week
• Lattafa Eclaire Banoffi
• Lattafa Ramz Lattafa Gold
• Origen Sahara Mystery Oud
• Miris No.51345
• Miris No.23742
• Miris Banana
• Body Sprays: Origen Sahara Mystery Oud, Lattafa Khamrah, Bath & Body Works Sweetheart Cherry
• Body Spray 3: BBW Sweetheart Cherry
Notes: This has been a fruity sort of week; I feel like a cornucopia!
I finally got the chance to play with the Lattafa Eclaire Banoffi. I’m a big fan of the original Eclaire, but this one is a lot lighter. It reminds me of a banana pudding, a delicious scent, but not an overpowering one. I tried layering with both dupes of Juliette Has A Gun Not A Perfume Superdose & Escentric Molecules Molecule 02. I think they both did the job well, but for me the Molecule 02 dupe brought out more of the banana tropical fruitiness, while the Not A Perfume Superdose dupe brought out more of the gourmand cozy sweetness. In both cases I added Miris Banana to the mix to amp up the banana entirely.
I’m so impressed with the Origen fragrances, and was so happy whenever I got to use Sahara Mystery Oud this week. It could so easily be someone’s everyday fragrance. In my opinion, it’s very unisex as well, but then again I don’t really pay that much attention to that sort of thing! Sahara Mystery Oud worked well over the summer, but it works equally as a spicy and cozy fragrance. I definitely reach for the body mist more often, but when I used the EDP I would catch whiffs of it the next morning. I’m considering looking at some of the ones I don’t have.
Rounding out my week was my old friend BBW Sweetheart Cherry. It was the perfect thing for misting in the afternoon when I didn’t want to be too weighed down by fragrance: on a walk, watching TV, cleaning. It just brings me joy. And it paired well with everything this week, adding to the cornucopia feeling.
Justin’s tray was moody and dark this week, but I gave him some options for lightness since he had a couple of in person appointments. He primarily used the BBW Marshmallow Pumpkin Latte, but I think V.V. Love Hombre de Oro was the choice for appointment, and Al Rehab French Coffee was used once when he was feeling like smelling nice at home. Justin doesn’t care as much as I do, nor should he have to. But I do like to rotate his options as well, just to keep everything in use!
Fragrance Notes: Playful + Warm
Fragrances of the Week
• Al Rehab Caramello
• V.V. Love Soul Journey
• Bath & Body Works Pistachio Glaze
• Roxelis Pistachio Perfume Dubai Chocolate
• Body Sprays: Lattafa Khamrah, Bodycology Cozy Fireside S’more, Bath & Body Works Marshmallow Pumpkin Latte, scentXscent Solar Flare Brazilian Caramel Dreams
• Body Wash: Bodycology Cozy Fireside S’more
• Shampoo: Suave Tropical Coconut
This week’s fragrances were a lot more fun than last week’s. The star of the week was Caramello, which is definitely in my top 5 at the moment. It’s warm, it’s nutty, it lasts a long time. I really don’t expect less from Al Rehab than stellar performance. There will be a lot of folks who don’t like this one, and since it’s new I haven’t seen any reviews for it yet. I’m not expecting tons of love, but for me it was nearly perfect when I wore it. That said, it wasn’t my first choice on warmer days or if I was going to be around a lot of people. It’s inoffensive, but strong.
The mists did a lot of heavy lifting throughout the week, particularly the Cozy Fireside S’more. The other two are quite weak in comparison, and sitting on the tray together, there was comparison. Soul Journey is also pretty weak overall. It’s nice, but fades. It’s supposedly a dupe of Carolina Herrera’s Bad Boy, which I’ve never smelled. I do get citrus, pepper, tonka…I’m not sure if the cocoa comes through. I’m not bothered though; I think it’s a nice traditionally masculine fragrance. Pistachio Glaze didn’t get too much use. It’s one of my favorites, sure, but I was enamored by Caramello this week, and I think they would be worn in the same settings. I did try layering the two at one point. It was nice, but not as effective as I would have liked. It just sort of smoothed out the Caramello; I can see good reasons to do that, but it isn’t a good use of a fragrance I love on its own.
While I had put the cheap dupe of Dubai Chocolate on the tray just as a decoration (it’s in a nice frosted green bottle), I did attempt to wear it once. Justin had commented a couple of weeks ago that it smelled like sewer water, and I have to agree with what he’s getting. It isn’t sewer, but it has a restroom quality. There’s a hint of cocoa, and it just came across as a newly cleaned public restroom in a candy store. I wouldn’t exactly call it repulsive, but I didn’t want the experience to go on for too long. I had to overspray mists to mask it. Fortunately, it also is extremely fleeting. I might remove the label and empty the bottle. I still like the little green bottle; it looked good on the tray.
While I loved my fragrances this week, particularly Caramello, the whole tray did come across feeling low budget. I don’t mind that, but it is worth noting. I also think it was helpful to coordinate body wash and shampoo. I have other options available, but kept using the Suave Coconut because it was in the shower already. But it didn’t exactly fit in, and I can see how a more carefully considered shampoo would have elevated everything a little bit. I’ll be working on making those things more accessible this next week.
Justin had a curious sort of fragrance week, but I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t actually know how he feels about it either. He started the week out with Al Rehab Tooty Musk, which he had liked over the summer, but confessed that he didn’t really care for it after wearing it on the first day. He switched it out for Gimaibugraff Hei Ya Ya, which I believe is a cheap dupe of YSL Black Opium. For me, I can’t tell where I land on that one. The pink pepper note is so prominent at first that it overwhelms me. The coffee note is a little too bitter, and the florals don’t really remind me of white florals. There is a rounded nature to the whole thing, probably smoothed out by vanilla, but if the vanilla ever took prominence, I didn’t smell it. Maybe as it dried down on his skin, but I wasn’t close enough for that. It reminded me of perfumes worn by really old women at church when I was a kid. My grandma’s generation all smelled like flowers; my mom’s generation were lighter or sometimes sweet-spicy. But the older ladies would smell sharply spicy, peppery, heavy florals. Justin liked it though, and that’s what really matters. Maybe I’ll try wearing it on my skin one of these days and see how it is in the dry down. He also had a couple of mists to use, but overall didn’t really use them much. That makes sense though; I had chosen for him mists that coordinated with Tooty Musk, not with Hei Ya Ya. BBW Blue Raspberry Burst & BBW Vampire Blood were never touched to my knowledge. He did use a little of BBW Marshmallow Pumpkin Latte. That one is losing the fight against time. It was once such a great scent, but both bottles have but a whisper of fragrance, a memory. This might have been their final week.
New acquisitions this week: Mémoire Archives 09 Let’s Bake EDP; Mémoire Archives 09 Let’s Bake Fragrance Mist; Mémoire Archives 09 Let’s Bake Body Lotion; Bodycology Caramel Indulgence Fragrance Mist; Bodycology Caramel Indulgence Body Cream; Bodycology Caramel Indulgence Body Wash; BBW To the Moon Deo Body Spray; BBW Milk Bar Birthday Cake Fragrance Mist; BBW Milk Bar Cereal Milk Soft Serve Fragrance Mist; BBW Milk Bar Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel Cookie Fragrance Mist; BBW Milk Bar Peppermint Bark Truffle Fragrance Mist; BBW Infinite Radiance Fragrance Mist